A Blatant Attempt at Serial Killing
My last two blog posts have been about Brandon Sanderson, so I can see how the word “obsessed” might spring to mind.
And now that I write that first line, I can also see how the word “concerned” might spring to mind when you combine the first line with the title of this blog post. But don’t call the cops just yet. This post isn’t about me trying to murder Brandon Sanderson.
This post is about Dan Wells trying to murder Brandon Sanderson.
Wells is a bestselling author, co-host on the Intentionally Blank podcast, and has recently been brought aboard as the Vice President of Narrative at Sanderson’s company, Dragonsteel Entertainment.
I have reason to believe that Wells is not the man he pretends to be. That he has ill-intent toward his supposed “friend”, Brandon Sanderson.
Now, I’ve been building a case against this guy for years.
Okay, months.
Okay, maybe like two weeks.
I had my suspicions about him all along, but some damning new evidence has come to light that I cannot ignore. The world needs to know.
Now, I’ve done extensive research on the topic of crimes. And by that, I mean I read one infographic on the topic. So, with the power vested in me by this Personal Safety PDF put out by the city of Houston, Texas. The PDF is two pages long, but I only read the infographic.
Because I love infographics.
The Crime Triangle
This infographic is the leading source for crime prevention. All the greatest members of law enforcement use it to prevent, and even solve crimes.
Today, we will review Wells’s Target, Desire, and Opportunity for the crime of murdering Brandon Sanderson.
And, moving forward, we must assume Wells is guilty until proven innocent. I don’t think the French got much right, but that, guillotines, and French fries are all pretty much spot on, so I have to give them credit for that. So I prefer guilty until proven innocent.
✨ for the drama ✨
Target
As discussed, it’s Brandon Sanderson.
How do I know? Because when I attended the Dragonsteel Convention in fall, 2022, Dan Wells told me.
Well, sort of.
As I stood at the vending machine, desperate for a bottle of water, I inserted my card. I made my selection. (Which I will not disclose here lest the water enthusiasts come for my throat because they have a ravenous hatred of Dasani. Okay, fine, it was Dasani. But I was desperate, give me a break.) And then the machine dispensed my bottle of water.
At that very moment, Dan Wells walked up to the vending machine. He grabbed the bottle. He unscrewed the cap, and he drank the entire thing. I stared at him, stunned.
He tossed the bottle to the side, it bounced off a small child’s head who was cosplaying as a mini Chasmfiend.
Dan leaned forward, mouth just a few inches from my ear. He whispered, “No one will believe you.”
Then walked away.
Was Wells just talking about the water? Or was he talking about something far more sinister? That he somehow knew I was going to accuse him of murder mere months later. It’s impossible to say.
And then there’s the fact that he admitted he wanted to kill Sanderson in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
Desire
On episode 89 of Intentionally Blank titled If You’re Going to Do it, Do it Poorly Wells says (and this isn’t taken out of context at all):
“That’s [taking over for a bestselling author on their series after they pass away] kind of what I’m doing. I’m joining the company before you die, and if you die mysteriously I was not involved.”
We all heard him. The motive is there. Wells intends to take over Sanderson’s books after he dies. But what if Wells is looking to expedite the process a bit?
Opportunity
Well, right after Wells and Sanderson discuss this on the podcast, Wells mentions a good way to murder his “friend” would be with 20kg of ethanol-soaked whitebait. He didn’t miss a beat on that, and he knew exactly how much it would take to kill Sanderson. Almost as if, it was pre-meditated.
But now that he has ousted himself and given away his plan, we must be vigilant. Wells needs a new method of killing Sanderson now more than ever, and he has to figure out exactly how to do it.
So I went to Dan’s website, thedanwells.com, to look for more clues. And, oh boy, did I hit the jackpot.
Dan Wells is good. Too good.
One of his most famous books is called I Am Not A Serial Killer. Doesn’t that sound like something you’d name a book right before killing someone? You’d be totally absolved, no one would suspect a thing. The title is your alibi.
But it gets even worse.
Let me get this straight… A man with a known penchant for murder, who set himself up to avoid scrutiny by writing a book called I Am Not A Serial Killer, wants me to come play board games with him?
Not this time, Wells. You won’t murder me that easily.
Laying it on a bit thick with the Saw quote, aren’t you? Wanna play a little game?
No, Dan, I don’t.
My leading theory for now is that this event is to lure unsuspecting victims to murder. I’ll give it to him, he’s a great writer. A vacation house with food and games. Storytelling is just being good at lying, after all, but this is on a whole other level. I suspect Wells is going to use this as an opportunity to practice and refine murder methods. There’s 24 beds, so that means at least 23 people for him to perfect his murder skills on. After this event… That’s when I think he’ll strike.
That’s when Dan Wells is going to kill Brandon Sanderson.
Since this post is scary, I thought I would include the spookiest picture of Gill-Mo I had.
Meet: Cryptid Gill-Mo